Keep Your Eyes On Me...

I am two weeks into my transition out of Kansas City into what I am affectionately dubbing "The Unknown". *Cue Frozen II theme song* It has already been filled with rest, reconnection, and...challenge. But we all knew that was coming.

SO what do you do when you are standing with an incredible story of the grace of God in provision, profound revelation- personal and spiritual- adventure, adversity and triumph, overwhelming odds overcome, and the last chapter sealed with God speaking directly about your next chapter THEN marking it by bringing in funds DURING a global pandemic while providing your current needs plus directing you out of debt? All of this directly behind me, while facing an uncertain future, another pandemic surge, political unrest, familiar challenges, internal struggles, wrestling doubt and thinking "This is either the wisest decision I have made in faith, or the dumbest move I've ever made." That's just real talk.

But then, as I press into the Lord and consider His faithfulness that has a track record of never failing, I am left grappling with my own unbelief. In our own stories, we all want to come out like Paul. Though, when I consider his confession, after all he went through that he had not yet "obtained", I feel barely saved. Confession? The truth is, I find myself in the story of Thomas- who having lived so closely with God made flesh, STILL asked to touch Jesus' hands because he could not believe his eyes. He could not believe, after all they'd been through, that He was who He said He was. Ouch.

But still, God meets us there.

So here I find myself, grappling with what feels to be the biggest unknown I have ever encountered. I left a stable job with a family who adored me, and whom I adored. I gave away my car. All that is left of nearly 13 years of my history is in two suitcases+a backpack and guitar case respectively. I am back in the city I grew up in with my family- whom I also adore- whom are all facing challenges of their own. Being with them for this short season before embarking on towards YWAM was a directive from the Lord and I am so thankful for this time of rest, reset, healing and refining. Collectively, I feel as though everyone in one aspect or another are in a "dark night of the soul." But it doesn't have to stop there.

This year has been for many, as it has been for me a "revelation" of where we all are, both spiritually as well as mentally, and even physically. The challenge I feel is to not implode, going inward in avoidance, or numbing. But rather to press. To push. To lean into HIM and not my own understanding of how it "is" or how it "should" be. To not allow my shallow expectations to inform how I will respond or react when faced with these challenges. The Word says, "My sheep/people hear My voice and they will not follow another." The challenges meet head on with "WHAT did He say?"

A pastor of mine used to say (and quite honestly annoyingly so ha) "Have you prayed about it?" Again, I've heard it said, "When you don't know what to do, go back to the last thing He told you." This morning as I spend quiet time before the Lord reflecting back on all that He has done, as well as all that is before me, that phrase rings out in my mind "What has He said'. So I want to share an excerpt from what He led me to in a journal from 2016 that I feel speaks directly to where I am, as well as perhaps, where many of you reading this find yourselves.

Nov.4th, 2016

"Lift up your eyes! Strengthen the weak and feeble knees, and the hands that hang down. Yesterday is OVER- you don't live there anymore. Look to ME, I am the God of the overflow, not the Lord of disappointment or shame. I overcame this- I am the God of the NOW. Death has already been overcome. Why continue to dwell on dead things? I have called you to NEW LIFE, not to walk among the dead but the resurrected. I AM the RESURRECTION and THE LIFE.

What this means to you is you've been crucified- old things dead and buried. Don't look to them anymore. After My resurrection, I asked My disciples, "WHY do you look for the living among the dead?" And today, I ask you the same question. Why do you look for the living among the dead things? You won't find LIFE there. You found your salvation at the foot of the cross, but you find your LIFE in ME. Dying daily "deaths" without finding power in ME only leaves you dead. I am the resurrection and your life. He that believes- lives- in Me shall never die. You are spirit FIRST, and flesh SECOND.

If you try to live from the other way around, you will live emotionally and spiritually exhausted. Just as your body needs and requires food and water, SO MUCH MORE the spirit requires "bread" the Word, and living "water" the Holy Spirit for survival. David said, in a dry and weary land his spirit longed for the LIVING GOD.

Once you've tasted of living water, and seen the beauty of God, NOTHING ELSE WILL SATISFY. Not experience, not enough adventure, food, drink, pleasure- none of it can fill the void left by the imprint of God."

SO here I find myself, once again. If my life is Yours Jesus, then have it ALL. Not the 10% that I thought was generous. But the 90% too. Spend my life however You want to. Did I not give it to YOU? You who "Know the plans I have for you..." can be trusted completely. I lay it ALL down again. I believe. Please help my unbelief.

**Prayer points/Opportunities to partner!

1) Strength to follow all that He asks of me- no matter what it costs

2) Continued health to my body- I quarantined upon arrival, and having been tested 3 times have been cleared on all points- negative. The last test was miraculously- literally- provided by a woman named Heaven (you can't make this stuff up), the last rapid results test provided by the state and completely free. Pray as I visit with family and friends, as well as prepare to travel to California on January 7th that this remains so! I am believing for the covering of His wings and protection.

**3) YWAM LA reached out yesterday to make me aware of a change that, due to covid, now increases the cost of the outreach phase (mid March-mid May) an additional $300.00 to create a contingency fund per student that, in the event of covid illness during the DTS, would cover them. In addition, I will also be required to purchase a specialized travel insurance that covers covid, as the cheaper insurance they previously recommended/used no longer covers travel due to covid-19. We WILL be traveling overseas! That is set for now, and as the time approaches will make modifications to travel plams as the need arises around global circumstances.

I moved away from Kansas City in faith, fully funded- praise God- for the DTS He is calling me to. This was an unexpected and unforeseen challenge that YWAM as a base is having to grapple with. So, I hold to what God said. It is news to me, but not to Him.

If you feel led to, or even just want to partner with any of this, please let me know! I am fully aware of the challenges we are all facing in these times, and I am actively praying for YOU! There is a PayPal button on the very first page you arrive to here on my website that easily allows you to sow and partner with me. Please know, having been on the supporter side, as well as the supported side, I completely understand and appreciate the sacrifice that it is. I believe that anything that is given into His hands becomes "Pressed down, shaken together and running OVER"- not just for me but for YOU!

4) I am also prayerfully considering joining staff with YWAM once my DTS finishes in May. This would place me once again in the position of being in full-time ministry as an "Urban missionary". Please prayerfully consider partnering with me in this endeavor! I am going to be enlisting all of my prayer warriors and friends, as well as family in joining me on a leg of this journey that will be completely new to me as well as you! I am EXCITED and I am NERVOUS. I imagine this must be similar to how Peter felt when Jesus said, "Step out of the boat" onto completely unstable, stormy oceans. Because the things that defy gravity, He is comfortable walking on. After all, He made them.

I will be looking into what the tax-deductible options may look like at the base once I arrive. In the meantime, I 100% appreciate the gifts you have, and do so willingly release as seeds into my life, and into the Kingdom.

This is an unprecedented hour and time we all suddenly find ourselves thrust into. But I believe, this is hour we were made for. Everything- every challenge, pain, pressure, unexpected circumstance- in HIS Kingdom He turns around for PURPOSE. NOTHING gets wasted. I love that! He really does turn "ALL things together" for our good. I declare BLESSING over you if you read this far (and even if you didn't) and I pray that in this coming year- no matter WHAT happens- we find ourselves "Looking unto Jesus, the AUTHOR and PERFECTOR/FINISHER of our faith. Who for the JOY set before Him, embraced the cross, despising the shame...and has sat down at the right hand of God on HIGH."

Thank Him that He doesn't fall off of His throne, and that we'll be found clinging to that which "cannot be shaken" Hebrews 12:27

"Therefore, since we are receiving a Kingdom which CANNOT be shaken, let us have grace by which we can serve God acceptably with reverence and Godly fear. For our God is an all-consuming fire." Hebrews 12:28-29